Overwhelmed

For the most part I compartmentalize things, I get upset and based on the size of the issue, be it maybe and hour for some harsh words spoken or an annoying customer calling me names or an overreaction to a problem that wasn't really a problem to begin with to perhaps something larger like a few days for a break up.

Now when I say a few days, I mean a few days until people can talk to me about something innocuous without me turning into a blubbering mess.

It takes time to get over these things but you do and for the most part you grow.

It hard though little things can throw you off kielter.

I have been dealing with family stuff and money stress for a while now. My mother lives abroad which you are all aware of and soon My friend will be off too.

Though I am so very happy he is finally getting the opportunity to do this and how I always want him to be happy, I have become acutely aware that my best friend of around 8 years won't be down the road anymore.

I realise with modern technology these days that I won't be completely disconnected and I know I am being a little stupid but its hard you know.

Hard not to miss a constant in your life when it is essentially ripped away, to get it back for a time, to be severed again. Though that seems dramatic it is essentially what is happening.

As you know I hate to feel vulnerable, I hate asking for help, I don't take help well or gifts. I love being self sufficient and not needing anyone. Though I completely love my friends for trying and offering to help, I weirdly get mad at myself for reacting in a way that makes them feel like they need to even offer to help.

I know that seems weird but it is how I am wired. I know, I know I do these things for my friends without hesitation, so why not accept it from my friends. I have no answer. I find it extremely hard to lose the control of fending for myself, Especially since with the exception of my mother there has been thus far only one person I would allow to do this. Though I don’t like it I am able to ask for help and accept it from him and soon he’ll be gone.

I am absolutely fine with this. I’ll just miss him.

I hate that my brain explodes with words sometimes.

I feel like I throw them at people and then get mad at myself for lumping my problems on others.

So I am sorry, I am having a moment, it will pass.

Bare with me, Normal silliness will return shortly.