Monday, 23 September 2013

Word Vomit: Coming out of a funk....

So last week, I was super fraking emotional, everything was setting me off. Words in Songs, Stuff being mentioned, posts on Facebook walls, the lot.

So Like a child I hid at the weekend, Friday night after work I went grocery shopping with one of my house mates, distracting enough, friends popped over, Got a little tipsy and was for the most part keeping it together.

Hugged my friend goodbye, the one who is moving abroad, That was hard, Super hard. The wall broke, My resolve of keeping things together crumbled.

So I hid, Stayed at home kept myself busy, Dishes, Laundry made dinner etc. (Though almost killed some friends with the sheer level of chilli) Socialised a little, then went to my room and burned through 2 seasons of a tv show just trying to stay distracted.

Thank Frak for Netflix.

Sunday I did better, made breakfast, socialised. Went to a friends to watch American Football. Just can't seem to lift myself out of this funk.

I am excited to be going to my first ever Comic Expo this weekend. I'm sure it will provide a wonderful distraction.

We have also decided My football team is the Chicago Bears. It seemed appropriate.

I like that my friends are happy to have me lean on them and a year ago my situation was not as good. I just get some mad at myself for being weak, upset all the time, I know I'll snap out of it and that it is a completely normal response when something so big happens in your life.

I am too independent a character to willing accept that I need people and that sometimes even though I hate unnecessary touching, or is some cases being touched at all, that even I want to be hugged sometimes and told everything will be fine.

I am not a hugger never have been and for the most part hug because I should but I sort of half arse it. I just don't really feel comfortable enough to give in. That aside I recognise when convention says you should do these things.

This post has gotten away from me a little. I will end with this.

How do we survive when the people that know us best in the world are miles and miles away?

Monday, 16 September 2013


For the most part I compartmentalize things, I get upset and based on the size of the issue, be it maybe and hour for some harsh words spoken or an annoying customer calling me names or an overreaction to a problem that wasn't really a problem to begin with to perhaps something larger like a few days for a break up.

Now when I say a few days, I mean a few days until people can talk to me about something innocuous without me turning into a blubbering mess.

It takes time to get over these things but you do and for the most part you grow.

It hard though little things can throw you off kielter.

I have been dealing with family stuff and money stress for a while now. My mother lives abroad which you are all aware of and soon My friend will be off too.

Though I am so very happy he is finally getting the opportunity to do this and how I always want him to be happy, I have become acutely aware that my best friend of around 8 years won't be down the road anymore.

I realise with modern technology these days that I won't be completely disconnected and I know I am being a little stupid but its hard you know.

Hard not to miss a constant in your life when it is essentially ripped away, to get it back for a time, to be severed again. Though that seems dramatic it is essentially what is happening.

As you know I hate to feel vulnerable, I hate asking for help, I don't take help well or gifts. I love being self sufficient and not needing anyone. Though I completely love my friends for trying and offering to help, I weirdly get mad at myself for reacting in a way that makes them feel like they need to even offer to help.

I know that seems weird but it is how I am wired. I know, I know I do these things for my friends without hesitation, so why not accept it from my friends. I have no answer. I find it extremely hard to lose the control of fending for myself, Especially since with the exception of my mother there has been thus far only one person I would allow to do this. Though I don’t like it I am able to ask for help and accept it from him and soon he’ll be gone.

I am absolutely fine with this. I’ll just miss him.

I hate that my brain explodes with words sometimes.

I feel like I throw them at people and then get mad at myself for lumping my problems on others.

So I am sorry, I am having a moment, it will pass.

Bare with me, Normal silliness will return shortly.

Youtube Ya'll

Sorry I haven't blogged mush lately, I have had the craziest amount of things on.

I have however been recording video on the Tube of You.

Sarah Bear's Youtube Channel

Check it out.